From: gls@corona.ATT.COM (Col. Sicherman)
Organization: Save the Dodoes Foundation
Subject: The Colonel's Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

Many newsgroups now have regular postings of Answers to Frequently Asked Questions, usually compiled by a self-appointed expert. Being a self-appointed expert on everything, I have lost no time preparing a list of answers for


Q: I'd like to have big muscles, but I don't believe in exercise. In the latest issue of Playmuscles an article says that a new supplement called Filboid Studge which contains activated formaldehyde can increase your muscles by 20 pounds a week. The same article says that another supplement called Hyponex will double your rate of muscle growth. Which one should I buy for best results? I suppose I could buy both but they're kind of expensive, to put it mildly.

A: Oop ack. Get a load of this sucker! Boy, did they slip you the Green Weenie! Look, pal, they're only in it for the money. Don't fall for muscle-building supplements. They're strictly the bunk. If you want big muscles, here's what you need to do: go down to the gym and lift weights. Lift some more weights. Do squats, presses, curls. Keep on going. Lift, grunt, strain. If you get tired, don't stop. Lift even heavier weights. Keep lifting till you're blinded with sweat, and then lift some more! Lift, grunt, strain! Keep lifting! Don't stop until you're so dizzy you can hardly stand up! And then lift some more, with even heavier weights! Pile it on! Lift, grunt, strain! No resting! Burst some of those underworked blood vessels! No matter what happens, keep on lifting weights till closing time . . . and don't stop then either! Make those weights heavier than ever! Lift, grunt, strain! But don't overdo it.

Q: I've been running for two months now. Lately I have an awful pain in my legs. It's so bad that I can barely walk. Could I have tendonitis?

A: More likely you just need to build up your leg muscles. Try taking Filboid Studge and Hyponex at the same time.

Q: I'm overweight. To tell the truth, I'm downright obese. When I walk down the street I leave footprints in the sidewalk. It's thoroughly disgusting. I've decided I need to lose some weight once and for all. What kind of exercise should I do?

A: Just exercising won't help. The main thing is to diet. Stop breakfasting on cheeseburgers and hot buttered french fries. No more copping out on dinner by wolfing a 10-pound bag of Oreos. Get that bushel of Ring Dings off your nightstand. Eat only good, nourishing things like cauliflower, celery, and parsley. Don't drink anything except water. Also it won't hurt to pray a lot; you'll feel like it.

Q: In the latest issue of Muscles All Over The Place, Fergus Fooblotzer claims to have 36-inch arms. What a fake! I have 32-inch arms, cold, probably 34 inches if flexed or if you get real close, and I think my arms look bigger than Fergus's. How big are his arms really?

A: I checked with Fergus Fooblotzer's publicity agent. They're 36 inches, all right.

Q: After 10 weeks of working out with weights, my muscles don't look much bigger. Will steroids help? What are they, anyway?

A: Steroids are a kind of growth hormones. Experienced lifters call them “roids,” which makes most people think they're talking about hemorrhoids. Sure enough, they will make your muscles bigger. The only disadvantages to roids are that they sometimes make you lose all your body hair, or alter your sexual orientation, or make your genitals shrivel up and rot off. But if you're a real man you won't let these minor annoyances deter you from getting bigger muscles. Ask your pharmacist to select a brand of steroids that's right for you.

Q: I'm ashamed to say I'm too fat. I'm so fat that when I pass a bus stop people yell at me to stop and let them on. Well, I've had enough! What kind of diet should I go on? I don't want to lose more than 25 pounds a week at first.

A: Just dieting won't help. What you need is exercise. Find a 10-story building and run up the stairs to the 10th floor. Do this eight or nine times a day. After the first week, carry a bowling ball up the stairs with you as you run. After the second week, carry a cinder block. And try not to spend more than four hours a night in bed.

Q: I want to take up weight training, but I'm afraid I'll get big muscles and look unfeminine.

A: Women can't have big muscles. Haven't you ever heard of genetics? Genetics is a scientific term that means your muscles will always be smaller than Fergus Fooblotzer's or whoever you're comparing yourself with.

Q: Well, Helga Fooblotzer has big muscles.

A: You already had a question answered! Give somebody else a chance.

Q: What kind of shoes are the best for running?

A: The best, without a doubt, are sneakers. Avoid snowshoes unless there's plenty of snow on the ground. Also avoid hip boots, ballet slippers, wooden clogs, and anything with high heels.

Q: When lifting weights, is it better to do the first set with a light load and gradually decrease it, or to start with a heavy load and gradually increase it?

A: Most people seem to get better results if they start with a . . . uh . . . wait a minute . . . a HEAVY load and gradually INCREASE it? It's a trick question! What nerve! I'm going to go home and do straight-leg situps.

Col. G. L. Sicherman [ HOME | MAIL ]