Many newsgroups now have regular postings of Answers to Frequently Asked Questions, usually compiled by a self-appointed expert. Being a self-appointed expert on everything, I have lost no time preparing a list of answers for
A: Oop ack. Get a load of this sucker! Boy, did they slip you the Green Weenie! Look, pal, they're only in it for the money. Don't fall for muscle-building supplements. They're strictly the bunk. If you want big muscles, here's what you need to do: go down to the gym and lift weights. Lift some more weights. Do squats, presses, curls. Keep on going. Lift, grunt, strain. If you get tired, don't stop. Lift even heavier weights. Keep lifting till you're blinded with sweat, and then lift some more! Lift, grunt, strain! Keep lifting! Don't stop until you're so dizzy you can hardly stand up! And then lift some more, with even heavier weights! Pile it on! Lift, grunt, strain! No resting! Burst some of those underworked blood vessels! No matter what happens, keep on lifting weights till closing time . . . and don't stop then either! Make those weights heavier than ever! Lift, grunt, strain! But don't overdo it.
A: More likely you just need to build up your leg muscles. Try taking Filboid Studge and Hyponex at the same time.
A: Just exercising won't help. The main thing is to diet. Stop breakfasting on cheeseburgers and hot buttered french fries. No more copping out on dinner by wolfing a 10-pound bag of Oreos. Get that bushel of Ring Dings off your nightstand. Eat only good, nourishing things like cauliflower, celery, and parsley. Don't drink anything except water. Also it won't hurt to pray a lot; you'll feel like it.
A: I checked with Fergus Fooblotzer's publicity agent. They're 36 inches, all right.
A: Steroids are a kind of growth hormones. Experienced lifters call them “roids,” which makes most people think they're talking about hemorrhoids. Sure enough, they will make your muscles bigger. The only disadvantages to roids are that they sometimes make you lose all your body hair, or alter your sexual orientation, or make your genitals shrivel up and rot off. But if you're a real man you won't let these minor annoyances deter you from getting bigger muscles. Ask your pharmacist to select a brand of steroids that's right for you.
A: Just dieting won't help. What you need is exercise. Find a 10-story building and run up the stairs to the 10th floor. Do this eight or nine times a day. After the first week, carry a bowling ball up the stairs with you as you run. After the second week, carry a cinder block. And try not to spend more than four hours a night in bed.
A: Women can't have big muscles. Haven't you ever heard of genetics? Genetics is a scientific term that means your muscles will always be smaller than Fergus Fooblotzer's or whoever you're comparing yourself with.
Q: Well, Helga Fooblotzer has big muscles.
A: You already had a question answered! Give somebody else a chance.
A: The best, without a doubt, are sneakers. Avoid snowshoes unless there's plenty of snow on the ground. Also avoid hip boots, ballet slippers, wooden clogs, and anything with high heels.
A: Most people seem to get better results if they start with a . . . uh . . . wait a minute . . . a HEAVY load and gradually INCREASE it? It's a trick question! What nerve! I'm going to go home and do straight-leg situps.